I am a Reasonable Person

I've been bombarded with Disney commercials recently....supposedly in which parents record their childrens' reaction to the news that they are going to Disneyland/world (FYI my sister and I were much less enthusiastic about the news)....then the commercial follows up with what is supposedly home footage of the trip- I observe that apparently only children and their fathers and/or grandfather/male role models, have any fun at Disneyland/world....perhaps only children and their fathers and/or grandfather/male role models actually GO to Disney places....the commercials only show "footage" of these relationships- no mothers, true to the old role of being the photographer, never recorded in history, probably the grouchy, bossy, schedule maker that makes the kids go to bed at 8:00 pm before the fireworks start....yes, only fathers and/or grandfather/male role models are so fun to ride roller coasters and spin children on their shoulders in front of the camera....Mom who? (probably the same person who booked your fucking trip asshole).

P.S I returned a plastic shopping bag to the Shoppers Drug Mart the other day- they now charge 5 cents for a bag, you know, to minimize Environmental impact. As a side note, I noticed they are still printing bags with promotional logos on the bags "10 anniversary of the points card", "Christmas special"....which is weird if they are trying to minimize production and figure people to use reusable bags. As another side note, I actually use the plastic bags again as garbage bags. ANYWAYS.....I returned the bag for my 5 cents back since they charged me for the bag without actually asking if I wanted to purchase the bag....I figured since they just bagged my stuff it was free, until I saw the receipt. So I returned the bag, and carried my armload of hygiene products out the door.

That's all.

Great for Entertaining

Today I wish to address something that has been eating away at my soul ever since "House Hunters" debuted on HGTV.
Since "House Hunters", a number of similar programs have aired- all in which the audience gets to watch real life couple/singles walk around in search of a home....be it a first home, a joint purchase, a move, to accomodate a bigger family, whatever.
The most overused phrase that I hear is "this would be Great For Entertaining". What the fuck people....if I could collect a dollar everytime one of these reality purchasers discounted a house because the kitchen didn't provide a great environment for entertaining or because the only bathroom was upstairs so it inconvienienced guests, I'd be on my brand new boat somewhere in the Carribean by now.
You do NOT buy a house for entertaining- you buy a house so you can live there, comfortably- who the hell cares is your guests have to walk upstairs to piss or that your guest bedroom is too small? How many people do you have over at any given time exactly? Like 4? Everyday? no.

Not to mention, this yard is "great for entertaining"? Really? Does your wife get up on the two-tier patio and swing around a pole? Do your children gather on the lawn and perform hymns while you BBQ? Do you collect a fee? Are there costums? Do you advertise?
I have friends over for a drink, sometimes I cook...."Hey friend, what are you doing Saturday night? Interested in some entertainment? I would like to entertain you and your family if you would like".
Now if this doesn't send your friend running, I don't know what would. Sounds like a sexual proposition to me....Instead, I ask, want to come over? Have dinner? Drinks? Friend comes over and we sit, and drink, and gossip....I do not get up and dance for her, the most I do is hand her the remote....there is no Entertainment outside of the neighbour's dog rubbing its ass on the lawn.
So why oh why do so many people think they need to aloud comment on "how great the space is for entertaining". And it seems like such a cruicial feature....nevermind that you and your family have an awkward living space as a result of your need accomodate your guests.
AND it's catching on! I hear more and more REAL home buyers commenting on how the kitchen island is "great for entertaining"! COME ON! also note that there is a VERY slim chance that your guests, the ones you are buying your house for so you can entertain them, they are VERY unlikely to extend the same consideration...nope, they are buying a home so they can live comfortably...when you come over,  and have little to no room to spread your legs out on the tiny deck outside- they do not care because the master ensuite bathroom is AMAZING. How lucky are they to have not only a GREAT home to LIVE in, but you bought a house for them to be entertained in! WOW!

Assholes....

Regulate! Don't Educate!

So here is the thing with regulating what people can and cannot do while driving....
The government of Alberta wishes to ban cell phone use while behind the wheel. In addition to this, playing with i-pod, putting on make-up and basically doing anything other than driving (save for a few exceptions), is BANNED!

This will surely prevent hundreds of car accidents a year! (said with extreme sarcasim). I wish the government to go further- if you are going to be ridiculous and pass ridiculous laws, I think you may has well just go the extra mile and be absolutely stupid instead of just ridiculous, so here it goes....

Limit the number of children a driver can have strapped into their car, the more adults mean the more children that are allowed in the car....nothing is more distracting than screaming, fighting childre, and they ALWAYS seem to get pissy when sat next to eachother for prolonged periods of time. I also like the emotional trauma that is likely to ensue when a mother is taken away or charged, or a child is removed from the car- in this case, there are no excuses, it really is YOUR fault little Bobby.

Old people should not drive....75+, sorry, your reflexes are too slow and you are therefore dangerous
16 year olds with new licenses also cannot drive (I know what you're thinking: then what's the point, but hear me out)....if we are banning distractions, then I can think of no better individual to take off the roads than a newly licensed 16 year old girl....cruising around head bobbing looking for boys, talking about boys, daydreaming about boys (daydreaming is banned too btw). Yup those are all disctractions and 16 year olds are famous  for it (add to that the lack of experience)so no driving.

Is smoking banned? It is now! Hahah! Really sucks to be a smoker now doesn't it? You can't smoke within yards of a doorway, can't smoke inside, you get caught smoking in a house with children and you are blacklisted from the community for being a terrible parent (you are a terrible parent). Now your only place of refuge, the car, is no longer because lighting a cigarette (come on people! It's FIRE) and removing one hand from the wheel is distracting...what if you inhale wrong and start coughing? BANNED!

Those with handicaps are also banned from driving.....vision impairments are an obvious reason, but so is hearing disabilities- how can you hear that siren behind you? Prone to stroke, heart failure, seizures, schizophrenic outbursts, dillusions, diabetus, ADHD? Well you are BANNED from driving....I don't want to share the road with someone who is likely to have a heart attack while driving, I don't want to risk a diabetic forgetting to take insulin or whatever it is before getting behind the wheel and subsequently passing out- you cannot walk an extra few yards from a car to the grocery store? You likely cannot respond quick enough to slam on your breaks in the case of an emergency! I don't think I need to explain ADHD, but a guy who cannot focus long enough to sharpen a pencil is likely no candidate for driving....hell a dead squirrel on the road is enough to distract him. Handicapp? Sorry, but no drivey for you- BANNED.

Hm, so far, I'm like one of maybe 1000 people left who can still drive- I can surely find something that will restrict my access....
oh nevermind, I'm a daydreamer....I'm prone to drousiness and I've been known to start sneezing and not stop (I sneezed 50+ times once! True story!)....I also like to sing while I drive so I too am now BANNED (thank God because I'm really serious about this banishment of all distractions to the common driver).

In a rush? Sorry, you cannot drive today.
Just got fired? Take the transit.
Dumped? Call a cab!
Hm- new to the country? BANNED! You cannot drive until you learn our driving habits (or lack there of now and you need to be familiar with the roads).
Part of a funeral procession? Not anymore- the mourning cannot drive.

Music, the news, eating, looking out the window, taking road trips, talking to passengers, having passengers that talk, travelling with pets, and watching for road signs are all banned.
Being sick with the flu, driving while thirsty or hungry or sad, mad, happy, excited, fearful, annoying, hateful and most importantly, confused- banned.
Actually, driving a smoking hot new car that costs more than $30,000 is also banned because the enjoyment you get from it likely distracts you from driving too.

For any of you left, you can thank me for saving your lives later, in the meantime- both hands on the wheel, 3 and 9 o'clock position. Stay in between the lines, no speeding, no passing, no fooling around out there. Driving a vehicle is a serious matter.