"Bitch" Defined

I found this from a friend....I feel it Joa-blog appropriate. May I also add that finds such as these are so refreshing; as in, it is refreshing that others in the world are of like mind.

Noun: Bitch (bich):
1.A miserable person who sucks all joy and happiness out of life, and makes life a little less worth living by her consistently shitty attitude. When not complaining, her drama and gossip will fill the void. He or she (but usually she) refuses to do something with a group, and will forego hanging out with said group unless they're doing something she wants to do. She will put her interest ahead of others every single time, just for the sake of being a bitch. A bitch hates fun.
"Hey guys, sorry we can't check out that cool new Brazilian restaurant, Janet is being a bitch."

2.A status you assume when you take one in the pooper while incarcerated.
3.What you become when you fail at pool, bowling, Quake, english, math, Street Fighter Alpha, etc.
4.Having a thankless job where you work lots of overtime without pay while your boss is on vacation.
5.Having to sit in the middle seat between two people in a car or plane.
6.Being last in line to get cake or ice cream at a party.
7.Crying and throwing a tantrum about something nobody gives a shit about, including you.
"I'm not going to give you $6 for my share of an $11 pizza when all I owe you is $5.50. I shouldn't have to pay extra, waaaaaah!"
8.Having a high opinion of your looks and a sense of entitlement when people compliment you. Your ego is usually punctuated with a "hottie" shirt, which makes you slightly less tolerable to be around than children, and slightly more tolerable to be around than a saucer of goat cum.

(from http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion)

In addition: please note that in no form do I fit the defined term, aside from the one time I sat in the middle seat on a flight to vancouver, but even then, I was between my sister and my dad, so I feel justified when I say it doesn't count. There is no reference of a "bitch" being that of an honest, up front, and sarcastic (only to the point of entertainment) individual that does not like little dogs or other people's children. For this, I take solice....now excuse me; I must go scream at someone for expecting me to pay for a birthday card I didn't sign because the chick who had the birthday is a total tramp and I wouldn't be caught dead to be seen with her. I also have to make sure that my boss gets his phone messages before I go home as he was napping all afternoon. I would be going out tonight except I absolutely refuse to play laser tag, and besides all those grimey sloppy assholes who DO like to go to those kinds of places creep me out. Instead I am going to stay home and take self portraits of myself with my camera, like the sexy pouty kind that I can post on Facebook later and gleefully reply "thanks" to when someone comments on how hot I look in them.

Goodnight.

many things, all of which come down to 1 question

#1 thing i must get off my chest (comes in a few parts but the overall message is one): a) please do not get personally offended by reading MY entry, MY semi-heart felt opnions, MY thoughts....i do not write this for you. I do no think of you when i write. You do not cross my mind at any time, so for you to get personally offended is absurd, and a little self-centred don't you think? Now you may disagree, you may dislike, you may wish to state your own different opinion, but for the love of God, please do not think so much of yourself to think that by spitting names and various accusations at me, you will put me in my place or even make me feel bad for writing what i do....
b) If you can even read this blog, then it is most likely because you have come across it on my facebook profile. I trust that my friends who read this understand ME because they are my friends, and know what I am like, THUS do not take offense to the mostly garbage that i spit out here. If you are raging mad about something i say here then 1. you are an asshole for taking it personally 2. you are not my friend because you obviously do not get my enthusiasm for the dramatic (read), you do not know what i am like and I will most likely be deleting you from my "friends" on facebook (yeah, im an asshole like that, but hopefully you already know this)
c) I welcome a difference of opion, and i would love to discuss it with you (although i am right and you are wrong;).....but as previously mentioned...there will be people who get it and thus get me, and people who don't...if you don't, fuck off because i don't want to hear from you...if you are wondering if this is directed at you then know it is not....if you are RAGING MAD because you are positively certain this is directed at you, then please announce yourself so i can promtly delete you from facebook;) haha, i am hilarious.

OK....now to the real deal here....a dear friend of mine once asked me what my thoughts were on bringing a mickey of vodka to a wedding. I had a few words of wisdom for her, along with some additional thoughts on the subject....
1. i have brought a bottle of vodka to a wedding once...it was my boss'. He does, and did know and I even received a high-five from doing so....i was a hit with the groomsmen, and even got laid later that night (not by the groomsmen)....thus, my advice to all is: if you want to bring your own liquor to a wedding, then i highly suggest doing so.
OOOHHH!!!! but what about etiquette??!!?? what would people say?!?!!
2. There will always be that girl who shows up at a wedding wearing a white dress (and i do not mean the bride) as long as she is around, YOU can bring your booze. Girl in white is classless and offensive and tacky....you are a drunk, that is a disease; if no one is going to help you with your disease, then you cannot be blamed for bringin your own booze in a handbag. Girl in white dress has no excuse...not like you do.
There will always be THAT bride and groom who invite you to the dance but not the dinner, or who are too cheap to dish out on cheap liquor. As long as there are THOSE brides and grooms, YOU can bring your booze. They show you no respect by a) feeding you but expecting a gift and expecting you to dance the night away on no energy....so you will bring your own booze. They show you no respect by b) expecting you to whore yourself out at the bar in order to afford a drink.....so you will bring your own booze.
3.NOT only that, but i am sorry, but you have been invited because you are friends right? well if they do not know you well enough to know that you will be bringing along your little bottle of confidence, well then i hate to break it you, but perhaps you are not such good friends afterall. (much like any assholes who are taking offense to any part of this entry...).

And this all comes down to ONE QUESTION OF THE DAY......

Who puts rims on a Kia?......some guy does because I saw him cruising this morning....anyone else?

cheers!

an ode to the smoker

So, how much do i hate smokers? well a fair amount...not the people, but the act, although increasingly, i am feeling less and less amicable towards the people themselves. I would be interested to find out how many smokers are also aboard this "concern for the environment kick" that is so prevelent in today's society.

Now as you know, i am no fan of "save the environment" push that has made its way around the globe, and for all of you who are, well shame on you because the only difference you have made is help leonardo dicaprio retain a presence in hollywood. ick.

Anyways, smokers....you all suck. yes you smell funny, yes your teeth are yellow, yes you foolishly squander your paycheck on "extra lites", sure you miss all the memorable moments of the evening because you've ran outside for a cigarette, sure you rack up all sorts of health problems that require a trip to the doctor but walk out the door without having spent a penny because it's covered by healthcare, compliments of non-smokers who actually care about their health, sure you look stupid smoking in the rain, or snow, or just in general, sure you ignorantly blow your smoke in my face, yyyeeeeeesssss you (YOU) even swerve around on the road while you try and smoke and drive, which to me is about as retarded as doing anything else behind the wheel other than drive. But this all is not what annoys me the most...oh don't get me wrong, everything about you annoys me, but after all of this, you could save face by emplying just a little bit of respect for everyone and everything around you, which you don't....because smokers are assholes.

What is this so-called secret to saving face? This is simple...you could NOT THROW YOUR FUCKING BUTTS ON THE GROUND. For fucks sake people...my front lawn is not your ashtray...neither is that guy's lawn. Did you see that garbage can 5 feet away? That fat peroxide blonde bitch on Jasper Ave this morning sure didn't; nope apparently right there on the sidewalk in front of someone's business looked like a better place to toss away her reason for living. And what about all the assholes that love to smoke and drive....ah yes cruise around...windows down, maroon 5 blarring...what about them? Well heaven forbid they keep a can or something in their car....fuck that, like pale skinny white slut wants that kind of trash in HER car! Damn...it would stink up the car, look gross, and could spill! nooooooo, she would much rather just throw it out the window. Nice. Real classy...good luck with the man hunt...wouldn't want to disappoint your parents and snag yourself anyone less than intelligent, good looking and successful.

As my sister has previously stated...smokers look stinky....not someone you really are compelled to walk up to and introduce yourself to. This would be unfortunate if a smoker was just that....a person who smoked, but this is not often the case. They've brought it on themselves by displaying a complete lack of respect for their surrounding environment (and i don't mean the kind that needs to be saved...i mean the immediate area around them), and for those around them. For all of you who claim to never have thrown a butt on the ground, then do not take offense because I am honestly grateful and I commend your class, but for the rest of you....you're gross and i hate you.

If I predicted the weather, things would be different

Nothing too crazy today...one little thing...

As a weather forecaster, who is wrong approximately 75% of the time...would you not perhaps under-estimate your forecast so that when it is actually 5 degrees warmer than projected, people are happy and less likely to harm you?

Example: Weatherman a- "the weekend is going to be sunny and HOT! 27 degrees expected for both days with only a 5% chance of rain on Sunday"....in reality the weekend turns out to be only 17degrees, mostly cloudy, 60% chance of showers and 3 tornados touch down. Expected life expectancy for Weatherman a= imminent death actually...probably by blunt force trauma to the head.

Weatherman b- "the weekend looks OK. Kind of cloudy, nothing special. Only about 21 degrees, 50% chance of showers."...in reality the weekend boasts 23 degrees, is only mostly cloudy on Saturday and a slight shower (a misting really) in the morning on Sunday. Expected life expectancy for Weatherman b= well, a lot longer than weatherman a's....in fact a parade is held in his honour.

I hate math

I took math 30 three times....but accordingly, this fact doesn't matter. This little blurb here spoke to me, so I speak thus share with you:

"Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. That's particularly clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study that's completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove-when you truly get down to the core essence of existence-there is only one mathematical possibility: Everything is 50/50. Either something will happen, or something will not.

When you flip a coin, what are the odds of it coming up heads? 50/50. Either it will be heads, or it will not. When you roll a six-sided die, what are the odds that you'll roll a three? 50/50. You'll either get a three or you won't. That's reality. Don't fall into the childish "it's one-in-six" logic trap. That is precisely what all your adolescent authority figures want you to believe. That's how they enslave you. That's how they stole your conviction, and that's why you will never be happy. Either you will roll a three, or you will not; there are not other alternatives. The future has no memory. Certain things can be impossible, and certain things can be guaranteed- but there is no sliding scale for MAYBE. Maybe something will happen, or maybe it won't. That's all there is. What are the chances your sister will die from ovarian cancer next summer? 50/50 (either she will dies from ovarian cancer or she won't). What are the chances that your sister will become America's most respected underwater welding specialist? 50/50. It will happen or it won't. There are two possibilities, and both are plausible and unknown. The odds are 2:1. These facts are irrefutable.

Quasi-intellectuals like to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not a religion. Math is the antireligion because it splinters the gravity of life's only imperative equation: Either something is true, or it isn't. Do or do not; there is no try. "

Chuck Klosterman
"Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs"

Outside my Window During this Beatiful Lunch Hour

there is some chump outside my window...he's in the fountain, his hair is high and gelled....it's 31 degrees out and he is in a pink polo...he is also sporting a pair of fancy jeans which are soaked up to the crotch, and a white belt with a big Lindberg buckle....and for some reason this guy is infuriating the hell out of me. I want him gone from the view from my window...go away. Why am I so agitated today? Well they say the hot weather could have an effect, except that i LOVE the heat and cool weather actually really pisses me off so that would imply that the climate in general ruins my day no matter what. And my ear is itchy!!! ahahahaha make it stop! What does an itchy ear mean? I hope it doesn't mean imminant death because I've got a super exciting weekend coming up right away. I did say at some point today that I was itching in anticipation for the weekend....maybe i really am. Oh wow, now the chump in the polo is adjusting his over-sized sun-glasses and there is an gaggle of hos flocking around him....one is too skinny (the ho is too skinny), I can see her spine and her knobbley knees.

I suspect that fountain is awash of epithelial, band-aids, pee, sweat, hair, and dirty scrotum (i know those hobos bathe somewhere at night), and yet...I'm really jealous of all those unemployed, inner-city scumbags (there is a grasshopper climbing my window...its huge and i want to catch it)....I want to be in the fountain and the sun. I also suspect that i'm sitting here working to afford them the luxery.

What the hell is up with my EAR!?! Would it itch if I was allergic to something? (I could totally catch that grasshopper if i was outside).

Oh yeah...so if it's not the weather getting to me, what is it? Could it be the asshole that refuses to call me? maybe, but i'm pretty used to it by now so it really shouldn't suprise me, and in reality it's what keeps me interested in the guy in the first place (oh so naughty boy) so that can't be it.....I'm really excited for this weekend; it's going to be plenty fun and yet here I am seriously hating on this chump who is now fixing his hair in 30 degree weather while standing in a pool...uh oh! I saw that! Skinny beotch just grazed his arm a little (someone is SO in there). Fuck I love people watching, if only it could be something careers are made out of (whoa grasshopper fell and then tried to jump up and missed.....ah there he is, made it back on to the window). Does someone want to pay me to sit here and analyse everyone outside? I'm pretty good at it. If only I could stop scratching my ear long enough to write it down.

I will be much happier once I am the chump outside grazing people's arms....until then, I am angry and hateful....and yet complacent at the same time (this poor grasshopper is getting no where....keeps falling and trying to jump back....give it up man, it's too hot to work that hard).

My Thoughtful Question of the Day (ever)

If you were to have a choice of a blind date with someone of which all you know about is 1. that person is good looking and successful. OR 2. that person is good looking, successful and extremely patriotic.....which would you choose?

Also this: you meet someone and fall madly in love with that person....good looks, brains, sensitive, strong, head over heels in love with you in return...everything you could possibly look for in a partner....then you find out that person is actually a slug-type alien from another planet who has taken over the body of another human being. Who do you love? and would you continue to love even though what and who you are in love with is not necessarily real? Maybe it is? What is love? Sure you may say "I would still love", but then you have to think...could you fall in love with another non/human species such as a polar bear? Afterall, you ARE actually in love with a slug-alien...
Ever seen the movie "Meet Joe Black"? The female co-star falls in love with death would has taken over the body of another man. Death falls in love with female co-star but loves so much that death goes back to being death and returns the original soul (soul?) to the original body for female costar to continue loving....but she was never in love with real soul, she was in love with death, who really could have been in the form of any body? Right?
What if original soul is an asshole? Does female costar still love or would she rather have death back? and in what form?
Fuck this is confusing. Afterall is IS only a movie...but it could happen, it does happen, people fall in love with figments all the time.

My Temporary Rent Controls

The opposition parties of Alberta want temporary rent controls placed as a means of affordable housing....so that the Alberta people can afford to live here in the province....I will show you temporary rent controls:

1. get a job....if this job you get does not pay enough, get another (there are thousands out there all BEGGING for people like you to work); should you not have the time to work 2 jobs, get a job that pays well enough (there are thousands out there all BEGGING for people like you to work).

2. Stop procreating...just because you can doesn't mean you should (this rule also applies to ugly people). Can you not afford to pay rent, make car payments, feed yourself, and care for a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd child, then perhaps you should reconsider the baby making thing until you can do so.

3. Move. I hear you can get a fairly large home in Saskatchewan for under $200,000, and the economy is on the verge of explosion, think of the money you could make in a few years if you would just MOVE AWAY.

4. Just because you don't own the place doesn't mean you can't show some pride for your home. As a landlord, should I do a walk-through of my property only to see that you and your dirty friends have trashed the place and refuse to show it the respect it deserves, then I shall raise the rent...why? Because I don't want you there; I would rather rent to someone who appreciates the property.

5. Cancel the caller id option on your phone bill, cut back your cable to the standard 13 channels, auction off your $1800 Louis Vuitton hand bag, turn your heat down to 20 degrees or so, wash your clothes in cold water, wear your $300 Rock and Republic jeans more than once (more like until they fall apart), turn the lights/TV/radio off when you leave a room, lay off the potato chips, buy store brand EVERYTHING (they are really just as effective as the name-brand products) drive less, tell your kid to chill on the video games and get a life (like maybe play the old fashioned way...with his/her IMAGINATION), idle your car less, stop dinning out, reconsider going to that $20 movie at Silver City, cancel the island getaway vacation to the Dominican, stop obsessing about HGTV and your insistance on creating a "fresh, modern and yet welcoming" environment and just buy your parent's old sofa bed for $50 already, sell the dog, and quit smoking...this will save you money so you can pay your rent.

Don't act like a douchebag if you're going to Mexico...Douchebags

I am raging lunatic irritated this morning. Not to be disrespectful to the Toews family of Grande Prairie, but what the fuck? I am so sick of people heading down to Mexico expecting luxery suites, fine Americana dining, and finally, friendly locals who bow to every beck and call and enjoy the presence of ignorant Canadians. Mexico has a totally different culture from that of its northern counter-parts...the government runs a totally different government to that of its northern counter-parts...get it straight, if you go to Mexico, understand this. Mexican people on a whole, are not liars, they are not lazy, they are not shady criminals. Why everyone just assumes that when a Canadian fucks up and gets into trouble in Mexico, its the Mexicans' fault, is beyond me. Like a Mexican security gaurd (who comes from a culture where family is number 1 priority) has nothing better to do but to track and hunt down a father of a 3 year old baby on a holiday with friends and family and then beat him up. The guy was on a vacation in Cancun, the Mexican land of Part-ay, with NINE other couples....the douche bag was trashed and asked to leave the bar 3 times before he finally left...if the security gaurds say they last saw him scaling a balcony, i have a strong suspiscion that he was, in fact, scaling the balcony...and being that he was drunk, fell....even if he WAS beat up, he was drunk, and probably a typical asshole Canadian tourist without a care in the world, acting like a jack-ass, and being of another culture, the a Mexican probably took offense and beat the shit out of him....oh well, should have behaved....whatever happend, i don't have any sympathy...perhaps i have no heart.

Here are my thoughts:
1. Couple hit by a car while crossing the street in Ajijic Mexico.....douchebags. Yes is Canada, when a pedestrian presses the "walk" button and uses a crosswalk, he expects vehicles to stop for him....in mexico, anyone with half a brain and any idea of the amount of pedestrian casualties each year knows that when crossing a street, run for your life. This particular couple was most likely meandering along like they had no where else to be, and POW. I'm sorry, but i feel for the guy whose car now has a giant dint in it....he has been driving for however many years without ever having to worry about pedestrians, then one day, some lame-ass couple from Canada strolls out into his way and how he has some body work to do to his (most likely peice of shit) car.

2. girl is Guadalajara gets shot and killed while sitting passenger side after a night on the town....douchbag. The girl had just met the driver of the truck that night at the bar...girls shouldn't even be doing this in Canada...this was not a culture difference, this was a stupid move on the girl's behalf and she just happend to be in the truck of a guy that some gangsta wanted dead. Too bad, should have got a cab.

3. The couple shot point-blank in cancun last year....don't know what to say about this one...something shady is up. It could have happened anywhere though.

4. Kid "hit by car"/ "beat up" in acopolco?.....douchebag....he was pissing off the locals, acting like a cocky asshole jerk, probably hit on someone's girlfriend and was walking around like he would have at a Canadian bar...like a jerk-face...so had he actually been beat up (even though all medical evidence shows he was in fact hit by a car), he had all the oppertunity in the world to prevent it.

You know what really gets me???? is a quote i read yesterday from one of the Toews brothers...something along the lines of "the way we are being treated here....it's like we are in a third world country"....hey buddy!....You ARE in a 3rd world country! Only in the last 10 years has Mexico been making any progress in that department...but still, you ARE in a 3rd world country...stop with the high expectations, go to Maui if you want a legitimate luxery vacation that meets your unjustifiable expectations. Go see how the people live in the interior, south or fuck, even OUTSIDE the walls of your resport and THEN complain about how the so-called 5 star hotel is more comparable to that of a typical 3-star.

Fuck this, i'm getting way to worked up....if anything, remember this one thing....show some respect jack-ass', behave, and for fucks sake....maybe learn something about the country you are visiting so you can avoid looking and acting like an asshole on your vacation.

The open-minded and optimistic Canadian Justice System

Ok Ok, more to bitch about...this morning on the news i learn of 2 things.
1. Buddy led cops on high-speed chase and crashed into a minivan causing permanent brain damage to unborn child gets 10 years in prison. Justification: the driver had 2 chances to pull over and end the chase but didn't.
2. Buddy leans out of the car and fires 3 bullets out his window towards a group of much younger girls who had be *sob* making fun of him:( An 18 year old birthday girl gets hit in the face and dies. This guy has yet to be sentenced but he was found not guilty to murder...gets charged with manslaughter instead because the judge could not find evidence to prove that the jackass intended to kill anyone.

Am I missing something? I'm pretty sure the driver in the high-speed chase didn't "INTEND" to give an unborn child permanent brain damage and fuck up the lives of the entire family...but he did because he was a moron and figured that trying to evade arrest was smarter than just pulling the car over. Obviously then, according to the justice system, he should get a much more minimal sentence...10 years is WAY too long for someone who didn't "INTENT" to harm someone...maybe community service? Like he can babysit for the family he crashed into.

Like buddy who shot the girl in the face didn't know that firing a gun has the potential to kill someone. Like buddy didn't realize that firing 3 bullets towards a group of drunk women has the potential to lead to AT LEAST some serious property damage (what about the half-ton one of his bullets hit?). If the reasoning for car crasher's sentence was that car crasher had 2 chances to pull over thus his 10 year sentece, then buddy who shot a mouthy 18 year old in the face had at least that many chances to NOT kill her....like let's say 1, not buying the gun 2, not loading the gun, 3, not packing a gun with him when he goes cruising late at night, 4, not being a baby about having some drunk asshole teenagers make fun of you, 5, not picking up the gun you are packing, 6, not firing one shot, 7, not firing second shot, 8, not firing third shot....wow, that's a lot of chances to have done the right thing and just gone home.

Whatever, the guy turned himself in, what a hero. The guy sobbed on camera about how sorry he was, he just wanted to "scare" the girls (mission completed retard)....yeah, let's just charge him with manslaughter instead and let him skip out on the whole life sentence thing. I don't care if the guy's charges leads to an equal sentence of 10 years, or even more, I want him to have a murder sentence added to his name cuz thats what he did...and to the judge, if you are going to use any sort of reason to downgrade a charge from murder to manslaughter, perhaps muster up a better excuse than you could "find no evidence of intent" (douchebag).

I should become Canada's next dictator, and by "next" i mean "first".

Random Rants:

I have a couple of things I would like to get off my chest today.

1. Earth Day revelations. I have no problem with people wanting to do good by the planet, but Earth Day? Come on (my friend Shawn says to insert the word "gay" after "earth day" so watch out for that)...GAY. No one can even get together to form a cohesive definition of what the day implies or what exactly IS good for the Earth. Example: MTV says that for Earth Day (gay) we should all try to eat organic food, that the GMO nonsense is bad for us and the planet....ok. Then, in the name of Earth Day (gay) Global TV(and PIMP MY RIDE) has a speacial about Bio-fuels and how THEY are good for the planet....THEN, the CBC reports of the rising costs of corn in countries where it is a staple such as Mexico. Great, fabulous, so what? Think about it, and if it doesn't come to you, ask me to clarify later...if you have any idea about the economy, GMOs, Bi-fuel and this so-called deterioration of the planet, you shouldn't have a hard time seeing the contradiction in of this.

2. There is a magpie outside my windowsquaking...i must take after my dad because i have the sudden urge to pick up a rifel.

3. Our really cool mayor of Edmonton wants to implement a "property transfer" tax...meaning you pay out 1% or whatever he decides when you sell a home in Edmonton. When asked to justify this means of city income he compares the city to the province of BC who has had the tax for 10 years now and set at 2% for the first $200,000....uh way to go Mandell, you are quite the genious there, let's compare the City of Edmonton to a province that was ran into the ground in debt by the NDP for 10 years and has only recently made it up to the "have" provinces list as a result of the very savey decision to remove the NDPs from government. Yah! Smart comparison you bag of shit.

4. Did you know that Global News' weekend anchor woman was on "the lofters"? (the canadian version of "the real world"...yeah, she was one of the biggest sluts on the show.

I had more to bitch about, but my wrist is is weak and I need to take a break from all this negativity....it's making me horny;)

Thinking of Thinking Has Brought me to Spring

I've been told to update my blog, but I have this problem...I haven't been thinking much...well that's not true because I have been thinking, but thinking about what to think about. I haven't come up with anything...I think it's the weather. I hate spring. I hate spring more than any other season because it teases me. 15 degrees one day and then TEASE!....it's going minus 10 today, just as you thought you could wear your cute little brown shoes with the buckles! AAAHHAAA! Stupid spring...the snow is melting! TEASE! It's going to snow today, just as you washed your white car! AAAAHHHHA! Gross.

I also hate spring because of all those assholes that frolic out into public just so that they can hold hands and show off to everyone that they are happy in love...bullshit fuckers, guarentee he just pissed all over the toilet seat again and left it for you to clean up...guarentee she just freaked out on you because some chick left a suggestive message for you on Facebook...guarentee that you want to kick the shit out that crappy little furball on the end of a leash that your girlfriend made you get together and guarentee that the smell of your boyfriend's AXE deoderant spray is making you sick.

Hey look....I'm thinking about something!

I also hate spring because no one in Alberta knows how to dress spring-appropriate...this is not L.A, so you cannot go out in mini-skirts, wedges, and white capris even if all the magazines say its the latest in spring-time trends....it's stupid, and yet...you do (i've seen your type, don't lie). This is stupid because it's muddy, and cold, and wet, and shitty outside still. Everyone has an identity crisis come springtime. I see girls with knee-high whooly boots and top it all off with a cute pleated mini-skirt...that's the lamest thing I have ever seen...pick a season people and stick with it...if you're cold, wear your boots, if you are hot, wear your skirt...you cannot be both.

Pot-holes, the return of motor homes on the road, grass mould, mud puddles, winter's left-over garbage, people in love, identity crisis', freak snow storms, longer lines for the bars, more noise on the streets, children out for spring break, the birth of thousands of kittens none of which I can have, the closing of coat checks across the land, an increase of fat-girl-in-tube-top sightings...I could go ooon and ooon, but I won't because you now understand, and hopefully agree with, why spring sucks.

I do kind of like babies, which is why i'm calling for action

There is a 3 day old baby in my office right now and i'm about to lose it. A THREE DAY OLD BABY!!!! who the hell brings a 3 day old baby to an office building?!?!? The parents are going on about how she has daddy's feet, mommy's hands...but otherwise, doesn't look like either of them....maybe that's because your 3 day old baby still looks like a prune and has NO control over facial expressions yet. God damn, take your damn baby home and let her feel comfortable in her home surroundings before trouncing around in public with it. Would YOU want to be shuffled around all day after squeezing through some forgien tunnel for 10 hours? No....would you want to look at 100 some faces when you can't even distinguish the ones who are supposed to be your actual care-givers? NO....would you want to listen to everyone's boombing voices when all you have heard for the 1st 9 months of your life was gurgling and soft rumblings? NO....TAKE YOUR BABY HOME. Not only that but I can name 12 people here today that are sick and now you are letting those sickos spit, breath and coo all over your once healthy baby.
Why don't you keep your baby at home long enough for it to get over the trauma that IS labour and then take it out a couple months later...AFTER it has developed facial features, learned to smile, and has some sort of resemblence of a human being.
No, I don't want to see your baby...the only interest that i have in your baby is that you are acting like responsible, caring parents and keeping your baby at home, where it's comfortable and safe.......The baby can't speak for itself so I will for it: "take me home you asshole fuckers and let me sleep in my snuggley blanket....and if i hear one more high-pitch squack from one more god-damned stranger I promise that i am going to scream every night from 8pm to 4am until i am 18 months...at least....act now and i also will not vomit all over your louis vuitton clutch."

Sidewalk Etiquette

I have previously posted this on MySpace, but i feel so passionately about this topic that i am posting it again!

What the FUCK is up with asshole people on the sidewalk who seem to think that they can just walk all over it like nobody's business? well guess what? i am making it my business.
1. if you are walking on the sidewalk with a another person or worse, a group of people, this does not mean that you can take up the entire walk and force oncoming walkers to walk OFF the sidewalk and around your little posse. NO...when oncoming walkers come your way...for like 5 seconds, maybe fucking STOP walking in a row and step single-file...your lame conversation can wait until the oncoming walkers have passed. And you know what? If you are the oncoming walkers and you see this ignorant group of assholes walking towards you like they own the pavement, do what i do, DON'T walk around them, don't give in like that....just walk, straight ahead...nothing says "move the fuck over jackass" like a lonely blonde shoulder-checking a group of power-walkers off their feet. (oh and you who just got shoulder-checked...don't you DARE give ME the dirty look...you're the son-of -a-bitch who thinks that your walking companion actually cares about the latest episode of the Apprentice and refused to move over for me). Word of the wise...the worst are running groups, these jerks think that because they are dedicated exercisers, that you, that fat slob walking to get a latte, is at fault and thus, you must walk onto the sloppy muddy grass to get around them,....don't put up with this shit...a shoulder-checked runner falls twice as hard therefore learn their lesson twice as fast.
2. when i open a door, i should not have to share the small hole in the wall to walk through with 5 others....IIIIII opened the door shit-heads, let me at least walk through first before all you dick-heads start charging through....oh and more importantly...when a handi-capped person presses the handi-button, let's give the guy a chance to roll on through before storming the door...they are handy-capped for god's sake and you are making them grasp on for balance while you slowly squeeze through the convienently open door with all your dumb friends. you are sick bitches. if i were in a wheel-chair and some dumb sluts pulled this on me, i would run them down...it would be even more effective than the shoulder check.
3. no, i don't like your dog...thus...if you have your shitty little dog wlaking alongside you on the walk...please pull the little bugger in when i pass you. I don't want him smelling my feet and looking up at me while i wait at a crosswalk. i will kick it....and don't think anyone is going to stand up for you or your mutt when i do it, for all i knew he was going in for the kill and i was simply protecting myself. This way, when your bitch actually bites someone cuz you're letting the thing wander aimlessly on the sidewalk, i can say..."hey, you should have shown some sidewalk etiquette"....while im on the subject of dogs, what the hell are you thinking when you let your ugly little thing dump all over people's front yards? SURE you pick it up but that is someone's PRIVATE property, and your dog just shit on it...don't assume that the owners wanted this to happen on their front lawn...it it were my house, i would kick your dog so far in the sky, you wouldn't see it where it landed. And what about piss? you can't clean that up, but if you keep letting your dog piss on the property, my lawn is going to start to brown, and don't think im above putting lye around the property line.
ok. 4. would someone please crack down on crackhead bike riders? please? im going to start to carry about an bag ot sticks so that when i see a biker ride on and off the sidewalk like there's no proble, i can take a stick and toss it into the spokes. As a drivver, if i see a bike on the sidewalk, i will assume it took behave as a pedestrian...aka...uses the crosswalks appropriately, move the fuck over for pedestrians and other bikes, etc. If i see the bike on the road, i will assume it a vehicle and follow traffic rules aka...stop at red lights, stay in a particular lane, signal, STOP for pedestrians....but none of this "whatever suits me" behaviour that so many cyclists display. Oh, the crosswalk hand is blinking, that's cool, i will ride onto the road and drive through this green light then get back to the sidewalk...WRONG....oh, it;s a red light, i will ride through this crosswalk and then back onto the road...WRONG...i am a big bike on the sidwalk, i am going to force these pedestrians to walk around me cuz i am flying at a ridiculously fast pace and i would fall if i go on the grass....WRONG. (holy shit do i hate cyclists).
5. Yes pedestrian, you are at a crosswalk and you have the right of way, techincally, but should i hit you, you will still be dead. Yes, you can make your point by stepping out into traffic that is unaware of your presence, but you will still die and the only point that will have really made a difference is how horrid the sound of your body bouncing off the hood of that Ford truck was. Sure, you have the right of way on that crosswalk, but it's minus 30, and we just recieved a dump of freezing rain, and the guy behind me is so close on my ass that I have no choice but to hit you...i cannot stop when some asshole trying to make a point, walks out onto the icy street without a moment's notice....i will either slide into you, or get rear-ended, and guess what, my car is new, so i'd rather hit u than take a chance with the car...and should i actually stop, only to get rear-ended, i am coming after you. I am going to take down you name, your number and your home address, because i am going to charge you for the imminent repairs to my vehicle as you were the cause of the accident...you in your black coat in the night crossing an icy street and giving ME a dirty look. I like how the Mexicans do it....pedestrians there have no rights at all...they make damned sure they get across that road ASAP before some fruit truck slams into them....that means, they haul ass....not like here where in the middle of rush hour, some fuck up and his group of home-boys saunter across the street like they have all the time in the world....i DON'T have all the time in the world, in fact, i have to get home to pee.
6. you know how you cross a street when the little man lights up? yes that's how you're supposed to do it...when the hand starts blinking, you don't START crossing the street...how the hell do you expect cars to make a left hand turn when you've got non-stop walkers right up until the light turns red again? or how about this...crosswalk is clear, hand is blinking, i think in my car "oh i can turn left now" but then some dick-face RUNS out onto the crosswalk...hey don't fucking RUN, it means im going to hit you with that much more force...anyways he runs, i have to slam on the break, oncoming traffic (if they haven't already slammed into me) is forced to halt and we allllllllll wait for you (who has now slowed to a shuffle) to make your walk to the otherside.
Okay, that's all, let's all show some common sense out there people...
thanks
ta

So much in my head these days....

My head is all over the place lately, maybe i'm manic....but whatever it is, me and my head are all over the place lately. I am especially easily aggitated...everything is reeeaaaally getting on my last nerve.

For instance, what is up with all these lame girls on myspace with profile pictures up like they are some sort of next big super star? How much do these girls spend on this shit? To go out and dish out all this money with hopes that some one important is going to step up and sign them to some big modelling contract? Get real bitches, it doesn't happen like that. I actually LOSE respect for any girl who slithers around on the floor in nothing but panties just for some photographer to run off some cheesy and worthless shots for her to put up on myspace...don't get me wrong, i'm all for slithering around on the floor in nothing but panties, but i'm certainly not doing it to help some non-existant, impossible to capture career aspirations....no, I do it because i'm too drunk to keep walking, or because i've noticed a spot on my laminate flooring and i cannot find a towel anywhere in the immediate area.

So since my head is all over the place...what the fuck is up with everyone having lost their minds over some retired hockey-playing jackass who ass fucks Russians? why is it that the entire population of Edmonton is a big group of pathetic losers who have nothing better to live for than the jersey hanging of a player who left edmonton and NEVER came back?...even after retiring? Why is it that there is SO much going on in the world that needs to or could be done but people like the people of Edmonton keep wasting time and energy on morons like Mark Messier? He was a hockey player. He did not find a cure for AIDS, he did not foster 25 needy children, he did not wrestle down a horrible horrible man who had tried to run off with an old widow's last 20 dollar bill, he did not even wheel and deal a fire truck around town helping kittens out of trees ....he has done nothing. He is worth millions of dollars for doing nothing but refusing to grow up and play hockey. Lame. And what's lamer, is that the people of Edmonton condone this shit and support this garbage and waste 3 days that could be better used for something else so that we can rename a road that already has 3 other names, so that businesses are forced to let employees out for a while to watch his ugly mug on a stage, so that the majority of the population cannot afford to go see some hockey game,so that some jackass can walk around town feeling good about himself. Wow, way to go everyone, I am so glad we have our priorities straight. Nevermind that Edmonton had its 8th murder of the year after a 16 hour stand-off in a downtown apartment building...MESSIER IS IN TOWN AND IT'S MARK MESSIER DAY!!! (I choked a little bit here)

My final stop for you today is the one that I often sit and stop at for a while....the stop that is my ever-growing bitter affections for that thing called love. I'm so freaking tired of people mentioning something about my boyfriend and then appologizing profusely when i point out the lack there of...don't appologize jerk-off, i had never thought it to be so awful until you started appologizing like not having a boyfriend is the equivalent of having your puppy kicked over and over again. But after you hear it ALL the time, it starts rubbing off. Oh, and then there is the constant questions like "so, any men in you life?"...not since last week fucker, stop asking...or "so why are you still single?"....because I don't settle for ugly useless douchebags like you and everyone else has...but then, the questions keep coming, and the witty ansers get farer and fewer and i eventually have to actually think about the real answers....damn you and your questions that you should have just kept to yourself and now i have to deal with and feel horrible about. DAMN YOU!...my answer? I keep them to myself because as if you actually want the truth, the only reason you ask is because you are mindlessly filling in the time and don't otherwise realize how detrimental these kinds of questions are to my poor mental health, and if you ask me again, i am probably going to drop kick you.