Regulate! Don't Educate!

So here is the thing with regulating what people can and cannot do while driving....
The government of Alberta wishes to ban cell phone use while behind the wheel. In addition to this, playing with i-pod, putting on make-up and basically doing anything other than driving (save for a few exceptions), is BANNED!

This will surely prevent hundreds of car accidents a year! (said with extreme sarcasim). I wish the government to go further- if you are going to be ridiculous and pass ridiculous laws, I think you may has well just go the extra mile and be absolutely stupid instead of just ridiculous, so here it goes....

Limit the number of children a driver can have strapped into their car, the more adults mean the more children that are allowed in the car....nothing is more distracting than screaming, fighting childre, and they ALWAYS seem to get pissy when sat next to eachother for prolonged periods of time. I also like the emotional trauma that is likely to ensue when a mother is taken away or charged, or a child is removed from the car- in this case, there are no excuses, it really is YOUR fault little Bobby.

Old people should not drive....75+, sorry, your reflexes are too slow and you are therefore dangerous
16 year olds with new licenses also cannot drive (I know what you're thinking: then what's the point, but hear me out)....if we are banning distractions, then I can think of no better individual to take off the roads than a newly licensed 16 year old girl....cruising around head bobbing looking for boys, talking about boys, daydreaming about boys (daydreaming is banned too btw). Yup those are all disctractions and 16 year olds are famous  for it (add to that the lack of experience)so no driving.

Is smoking banned? It is now! Hahah! Really sucks to be a smoker now doesn't it? You can't smoke within yards of a doorway, can't smoke inside, you get caught smoking in a house with children and you are blacklisted from the community for being a terrible parent (you are a terrible parent). Now your only place of refuge, the car, is no longer because lighting a cigarette (come on people! It's FIRE) and removing one hand from the wheel is distracting...what if you inhale wrong and start coughing? BANNED!

Those with handicaps are also banned from driving.....vision impairments are an obvious reason, but so is hearing disabilities- how can you hear that siren behind you? Prone to stroke, heart failure, seizures, schizophrenic outbursts, dillusions, diabetus, ADHD? Well you are BANNED from driving....I don't want to share the road with someone who is likely to have a heart attack while driving, I don't want to risk a diabetic forgetting to take insulin or whatever it is before getting behind the wheel and subsequently passing out- you cannot walk an extra few yards from a car to the grocery store? You likely cannot respond quick enough to slam on your breaks in the case of an emergency! I don't think I need to explain ADHD, but a guy who cannot focus long enough to sharpen a pencil is likely no candidate for driving....hell a dead squirrel on the road is enough to distract him. Handicapp? Sorry, but no drivey for you- BANNED.

Hm, so far, I'm like one of maybe 1000 people left who can still drive- I can surely find something that will restrict my access....
oh nevermind, I'm a daydreamer....I'm prone to drousiness and I've been known to start sneezing and not stop (I sneezed 50+ times once! True story!)....I also like to sing while I drive so I too am now BANNED (thank God because I'm really serious about this banishment of all distractions to the common driver).

In a rush? Sorry, you cannot drive today.
Just got fired? Take the transit.
Dumped? Call a cab!
Hm- new to the country? BANNED! You cannot drive until you learn our driving habits (or lack there of now and you need to be familiar with the roads).
Part of a funeral procession? Not anymore- the mourning cannot drive.

Music, the news, eating, looking out the window, taking road trips, talking to passengers, having passengers that talk, travelling with pets, and watching for road signs are all banned.
Being sick with the flu, driving while thirsty or hungry or sad, mad, happy, excited, fearful, annoying, hateful and most importantly, confused- banned.
Actually, driving a smoking hot new car that costs more than $30,000 is also banned because the enjoyment you get from it likely distracts you from driving too.

For any of you left, you can thank me for saving your lives later, in the meantime- both hands on the wheel, 3 and 9 o'clock position. Stay in between the lines, no speeding, no passing, no fooling around out there. Driving a vehicle is a serious matter.