There is a 3 day old baby in my office right now and i'm about to lose it. A THREE DAY OLD BABY!!!! who the hell brings a 3 day old baby to an office building?!?!? The parents are going on about how she has daddy's feet, mommy's hands...but otherwise, doesn't look like either of them....maybe that's because your 3 day old baby still looks like a prune and has NO control over facial expressions yet. God damn, take your damn baby home and let her feel comfortable in her home surroundings before trouncing around in public with it. Would YOU want to be shuffled around all day after squeezing through some forgien tunnel for 10 hours? No....would you want to look at 100 some faces when you can't even distinguish the ones who are supposed to be your actual care-givers? NO....would you want to listen to everyone's boombing voices when all you have heard for the 1st 9 months of your life was gurgling and soft rumblings? NO....TAKE YOUR BABY HOME. Not only that but I can name 12 people here today that are sick and now you are letting those sickos spit, breath and coo all over your once healthy baby.
Why don't you keep your baby at home long enough for it to get over the trauma that IS labour and then take it out a couple months later...AFTER it has developed facial features, learned to smile, and has some sort of resemblence of a human being.
No, I don't want to see your baby...the only interest that i have in your baby is that you are acting like responsible, caring parents and keeping your baby at home, where it's comfortable and safe.......The baby can't speak for itself so I will for it: "take me home you asshole fuckers and let me sleep in my snuggley blanket....and if i hear one more high-pitch squack from one more god-damned stranger I promise that i am going to scream every night from 8pm to 4am until i am 18 months...at least....act now and i also will not vomit all over your louis vuitton clutch."
Monday, March 12, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
Sidewalk Etiquette
I have previously posted this on MySpace, but i feel so passionately about this topic that i am posting it again!
What the FUCK is up with asshole people on the sidewalk who seem to think that they can just walk all over it like nobody's business? well guess what? i am making it my business.
1. if you are walking on the sidewalk with a another person or worse, a group of people, this does not mean that you can take up the entire walk and force oncoming walkers to walk OFF the sidewalk and around your little posse. NO...when oncoming walkers come your way...for like 5 seconds, maybe fucking STOP walking in a row and step single-file...your lame conversation can wait until the oncoming walkers have passed. And you know what? If you are the oncoming walkers and you see this ignorant group of assholes walking towards you like they own the pavement, do what i do, DON'T walk around them, don't give in like that....just walk, straight ahead...nothing says "move the fuck over jackass" like a lonely blonde shoulder-checking a group of power-walkers off their feet. (oh and you who just got shoulder-checked...don't you DARE give ME the dirty look...you're the son-of -a-bitch who thinks that your walking companion actually cares about the latest episode of the Apprentice and refused to move over for me). Word of the wise...the worst are running groups, these jerks think that because they are dedicated exercisers, that you, that fat slob walking to get a latte, is at fault and thus, you must walk onto the sloppy muddy grass to get around them,....don't put up with this shit...a shoulder-checked runner falls twice as hard therefore learn their lesson twice as fast.
2. when i open a door, i should not have to share the small hole in the wall to walk through with 5 others....IIIIII opened the door shit-heads, let me at least walk through first before all you dick-heads start charging through....oh and more importantly...when a handi-capped person presses the handi-button, let's give the guy a chance to roll on through before storming the door...they are handy-capped for god's sake and you are making them grasp on for balance while you slowly squeeze through the convienently open door with all your dumb friends. you are sick bitches. if i were in a wheel-chair and some dumb sluts pulled this on me, i would run them down...it would be even more effective than the shoulder check.
3. no, i don't like your dog...thus...if you have your shitty little dog wlaking alongside you on the walk...please pull the little bugger in when i pass you. I don't want him smelling my feet and looking up at me while i wait at a crosswalk. i will kick it....and don't think anyone is going to stand up for you or your mutt when i do it, for all i knew he was going in for the kill and i was simply protecting myself. This way, when your bitch actually bites someone cuz you're letting the thing wander aimlessly on the sidewalk, i can say..."hey, you should have shown some sidewalk etiquette"....while im on the subject of dogs, what the hell are you thinking when you let your ugly little thing dump all over people's front yards? SURE you pick it up but that is someone's PRIVATE property, and your dog just shit on it...don't assume that the owners wanted this to happen on their front lawn...it it were my house, i would kick your dog so far in the sky, you wouldn't see it where it landed. And what about piss? you can't clean that up, but if you keep letting your dog piss on the property, my lawn is going to start to brown, and don't think im above putting lye around the property line.
ok. 4. would someone please crack down on crackhead bike riders? please? im going to start to carry about an bag ot sticks so that when i see a biker ride on and off the sidewalk like there's no proble, i can take a stick and toss it into the spokes. As a drivver, if i see a bike on the sidewalk, i will assume it took behave as a pedestrian...aka...uses the crosswalks appropriately, move the fuck over for pedestrians and other bikes, etc. If i see the bike on the road, i will assume it a vehicle and follow traffic rules aka...stop at red lights, stay in a particular lane, signal, STOP for pedestrians....but none of this "whatever suits me" behaviour that so many cyclists display. Oh, the crosswalk hand is blinking, that's cool, i will ride onto the road and drive through this green light then get back to the sidewalk...WRONG....oh, it;s a red light, i will ride through this crosswalk and then back onto the road...WRONG...i am a big bike on the sidwalk, i am going to force these pedestrians to walk around me cuz i am flying at a ridiculously fast pace and i would fall if i go on the grass....WRONG. (holy shit do i hate cyclists).
5. Yes pedestrian, you are at a crosswalk and you have the right of way, techincally, but should i hit you, you will still be dead. Yes, you can make your point by stepping out into traffic that is unaware of your presence, but you will still die and the only point that will have really made a difference is how horrid the sound of your body bouncing off the hood of that Ford truck was. Sure, you have the right of way on that crosswalk, but it's minus 30, and we just recieved a dump of freezing rain, and the guy behind me is so close on my ass that I have no choice but to hit you...i cannot stop when some asshole trying to make a point, walks out onto the icy street without a moment's notice....i will either slide into you, or get rear-ended, and guess what, my car is new, so i'd rather hit u than take a chance with the car...and should i actually stop, only to get rear-ended, i am coming after you. I am going to take down you name, your number and your home address, because i am going to charge you for the imminent repairs to my vehicle as you were the cause of the accident...you in your black coat in the night crossing an icy street and giving ME a dirty look. I like how the Mexicans do it....pedestrians there have no rights at all...they make damned sure they get across that road ASAP before some fruit truck slams into them....that means, they haul ass....not like here where in the middle of rush hour, some fuck up and his group of home-boys saunter across the street like they have all the time in the world....i DON'T have all the time in the world, in fact, i have to get home to pee.
6. you know how you cross a street when the little man lights up? yes that's how you're supposed to do it...when the hand starts blinking, you don't START crossing the street...how the hell do you expect cars to make a left hand turn when you've got non-stop walkers right up until the light turns red again? or how about this...crosswalk is clear, hand is blinking, i think in my car "oh i can turn left now" but then some dick-face RUNS out onto the crosswalk...hey don't fucking RUN, it means im going to hit you with that much more force...anyways he runs, i have to slam on the break, oncoming traffic (if they haven't already slammed into me) is forced to halt and we allllllllll wait for you (who has now slowed to a shuffle) to make your walk to the otherside.
Okay, that's all, let's all show some common sense out there people...
thanks
ta
What the FUCK is up with asshole people on the sidewalk who seem to think that they can just walk all over it like nobody's business? well guess what? i am making it my business.
1. if you are walking on the sidewalk with a another person or worse, a group of people, this does not mean that you can take up the entire walk and force oncoming walkers to walk OFF the sidewalk and around your little posse. NO...when oncoming walkers come your way...for like 5 seconds, maybe fucking STOP walking in a row and step single-file...your lame conversation can wait until the oncoming walkers have passed. And you know what? If you are the oncoming walkers and you see this ignorant group of assholes walking towards you like they own the pavement, do what i do, DON'T walk around them, don't give in like that....just walk, straight ahead...nothing says "move the fuck over jackass" like a lonely blonde shoulder-checking a group of power-walkers off their feet. (oh and you who just got shoulder-checked...don't you DARE give ME the dirty look...you're the son-of -a-bitch who thinks that your walking companion actually cares about the latest episode of the Apprentice and refused to move over for me). Word of the wise...the worst are running groups, these jerks think that because they are dedicated exercisers, that you, that fat slob walking to get a latte, is at fault and thus, you must walk onto the sloppy muddy grass to get around them,....don't put up with this shit...a shoulder-checked runner falls twice as hard therefore learn their lesson twice as fast.
2. when i open a door, i should not have to share the small hole in the wall to walk through with 5 others....IIIIII opened the door shit-heads, let me at least walk through first before all you dick-heads start charging through....oh and more importantly...when a handi-capped person presses the handi-button, let's give the guy a chance to roll on through before storming the door...they are handy-capped for god's sake and you are making them grasp on for balance while you slowly squeeze through the convienently open door with all your dumb friends. you are sick bitches. if i were in a wheel-chair and some dumb sluts pulled this on me, i would run them down...it would be even more effective than the shoulder check.
3. no, i don't like your dog...thus...if you have your shitty little dog wlaking alongside you on the walk...please pull the little bugger in when i pass you. I don't want him smelling my feet and looking up at me while i wait at a crosswalk. i will kick it....and don't think anyone is going to stand up for you or your mutt when i do it, for all i knew he was going in for the kill and i was simply protecting myself. This way, when your bitch actually bites someone cuz you're letting the thing wander aimlessly on the sidewalk, i can say..."hey, you should have shown some sidewalk etiquette"....while im on the subject of dogs, what the hell are you thinking when you let your ugly little thing dump all over people's front yards? SURE you pick it up but that is someone's PRIVATE property, and your dog just shit on it...don't assume that the owners wanted this to happen on their front lawn...it it were my house, i would kick your dog so far in the sky, you wouldn't see it where it landed. And what about piss? you can't clean that up, but if you keep letting your dog piss on the property, my lawn is going to start to brown, and don't think im above putting lye around the property line.
ok. 4. would someone please crack down on crackhead bike riders? please? im going to start to carry about an bag ot sticks so that when i see a biker ride on and off the sidewalk like there's no proble, i can take a stick and toss it into the spokes. As a drivver, if i see a bike on the sidewalk, i will assume it took behave as a pedestrian...aka...uses the crosswalks appropriately, move the fuck over for pedestrians and other bikes, etc. If i see the bike on the road, i will assume it a vehicle and follow traffic rules aka...stop at red lights, stay in a particular lane, signal, STOP for pedestrians....but none of this "whatever suits me" behaviour that so many cyclists display. Oh, the crosswalk hand is blinking, that's cool, i will ride onto the road and drive through this green light then get back to the sidewalk...WRONG....oh, it;s a red light, i will ride through this crosswalk and then back onto the road...WRONG...i am a big bike on the sidwalk, i am going to force these pedestrians to walk around me cuz i am flying at a ridiculously fast pace and i would fall if i go on the grass....WRONG. (holy shit do i hate cyclists).
5. Yes pedestrian, you are at a crosswalk and you have the right of way, techincally, but should i hit you, you will still be dead. Yes, you can make your point by stepping out into traffic that is unaware of your presence, but you will still die and the only point that will have really made a difference is how horrid the sound of your body bouncing off the hood of that Ford truck was. Sure, you have the right of way on that crosswalk, but it's minus 30, and we just recieved a dump of freezing rain, and the guy behind me is so close on my ass that I have no choice but to hit you...i cannot stop when some asshole trying to make a point, walks out onto the icy street without a moment's notice....i will either slide into you, or get rear-ended, and guess what, my car is new, so i'd rather hit u than take a chance with the car...and should i actually stop, only to get rear-ended, i am coming after you. I am going to take down you name, your number and your home address, because i am going to charge you for the imminent repairs to my vehicle as you were the cause of the accident...you in your black coat in the night crossing an icy street and giving ME a dirty look. I like how the Mexicans do it....pedestrians there have no rights at all...they make damned sure they get across that road ASAP before some fruit truck slams into them....that means, they haul ass....not like here where in the middle of rush hour, some fuck up and his group of home-boys saunter across the street like they have all the time in the world....i DON'T have all the time in the world, in fact, i have to get home to pee.
6. you know how you cross a street when the little man lights up? yes that's how you're supposed to do it...when the hand starts blinking, you don't START crossing the street...how the hell do you expect cars to make a left hand turn when you've got non-stop walkers right up until the light turns red again? or how about this...crosswalk is clear, hand is blinking, i think in my car "oh i can turn left now" but then some dick-face RUNS out onto the crosswalk...hey don't fucking RUN, it means im going to hit you with that much more force...anyways he runs, i have to slam on the break, oncoming traffic (if they haven't already slammed into me) is forced to halt and we allllllllll wait for you (who has now slowed to a shuffle) to make your walk to the otherside.
Okay, that's all, let's all show some common sense out there people...
thanks
ta
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